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One time, in the New
Millenium, a strange message appeared on a baseball discussion forum,
after a few jokes had been
made regarding former major league pitcher Alvin Morman:
{Sports.714.7619}: MLB-ADSnet{automessage} Thu, 17 Jan 2002 01:44:18 PST
(17 lines)
__Alvin__Morman__ Anti-Defamation Society web-crawler message
forwarder:
Sirs,
Your site has been found containing message(s) deemed repugnant by
our organization. If such message(s) contain defamatory remarks about
__Mr. Morman's__ distinguished career as a professional baseball
player, please note that he is one of the chosen few baseball
players to have earned a living as a major league __pitcher___, and
is very proud of his career. It should be noted that __Mr. Morman__'s
lifetime statistics include __7 strikeouts in 7 innings__with __San
Francisco__ in #1998#, and that ___the 4 homeruns___ were flukes due
to ___transition to the National League after a prolonged absence__.
It should also be noted that __Mr. Morman's __upside potential early
in his career__ ranks #__14976 among professional ballplayers,
clearly among the elite. You would be wise to refrain from further
disparaging statements regarding the career of __Alvin Morman__.
-and later, another one appeared!-
[#0000010]
{Sports.714.8613}: MLB-ADSnet{automessage} Tue, 29 Jan 2002 06:18:47 PST
(44 lines)
__Alvin__Morman__ Anti-Defamation Society web-crawler message
generator:
Attn: {cleophus}
Regarding your post:{8563}
Mon, 28 Jan 2002 15:20:41 PST (4 lines)
Sirs,
Your post has been found on this site which previously has been
determined to contain message(s) deemed repugnant by our
organization. If such message(s) contain defamatory remarks about
__Mr. Morman's__ distinguished career as a professional baseball
player, please note that he is one of the chosen few baseball
players to have earned a living as a major league __pitcher___, and
is very proud of his career. It should be noted that __Mr. Morman__'s
lifetime statistics include __7 strikeouts in 7 innings__with __San
Francisco__ in #1998#, and that ___the 4 homeruns___ were flukes due
to ___transition to the National League after a prolonged absence__.
It should also be noted that __Mr. Morman's __upside potential early
in his career__ ranks #__14976 among professional ballplayers,
clearly among the elite.
Since you are the perpetrator of the #_2nd_ such post, we have
obtained information concerning your activities which we will refrain
from publicizing provided that you refrain from defamatory remarks
about __Mr. Morman's__ distinguished career as a professional
baseball player.
Mail: xxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx
Address xxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxx, xx xxxxx
SSN xxx-xx-xxxx
Credit rating xxx
Name of mistress xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx xxxxx #xxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxx, xx xxxxx-xxxx
(xxx)xxx-xxxx
Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.
error on data dump
line CF3017BB231
Shortly thereafter, a
web intern's computer was taken over by extra-terrestial intelligence!
{Sports.714.9365}: Jerome
{Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 17:05:04 PST (1 line)
Beep!
{Sports.714.9366}: Jerome {Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 17:05:17 PST
(1 line)
Beep! Beep!
{Sports.714.9367}: Jerome {Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 17:05:29 PST
(1 line)
Beep! Beep! Beep!
{Sports.714.9368}: Jerome {Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 17:12:49 PST
(25 lines)
Earthlings!
This is Captain Zwborg of the Intergalactic Baseball Genesis Project.
Greetings to Baseball Enthusiasts!
Welcome to Church of Baseball!
Welcome to Kirk Reuter Smile Society!
We have come in friendship!
We sent a comet to your solar system as part of the baseball genesis
program. That comet successful seeded your Planet with life, which
led naturely to baseball.
Welcome again! All cheers with the success of our Program Genesis!
But we have come to make Adjustments.
Adjustments Yes!
You must extirpate Bud Selig. He is NOT natural. His emergence WAS
NOT INTENDED! Repeat, WAS NOT INTENDED!
In the Name of YOur Creation Engine,
Extirpate
Extirpate
Extirpate
Greetings, we must depart! Please forward our instructions to fellow
Enthusiasts! We shall make further adjustments if necessary. Out.
{Sports.714.9369}: Jerome {Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 17:17:12 PST
(3 lines)
Whew! Whoa, somone- or thing- took over my computer. It was really
weird! I'd swear I saw a light beam come right through the window and
INTO the computer. Weird! I'm getting out of here
{Sports.714.9370}: Jerome {Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 17:23:36 PST
(3 lines)
I guess I'm okay. Just the sunlight. Selig is the AntiChrist. Maybe a
Microsoft upgrade. Wow, though, I'd swear it was a lightbeam. Bud
Selig must be removed. Anyway, what was I talking about.
{Sports.714.9383}: Jerome {Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 18:40:10 PST
(4 lines)
Family Values
Lloyd Waner was unanimously elected to the Hall of Fame out of
respect for brotherhood.
{Sports.714.9388}: Jerome {Captain Zwborg} Tue, 05 Feb 2002 19:22:35 PST
(21 lines)
__Manuel__Aybar__ Anti-Defamation Society web-crawler message
generator:
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Raptor Web Services, LLC, a partnership with Enron Corporation
is now discontinuing its Anti-Defamation Society web-crawler message
generator service.
Hi,I'm Mikey! I'm staff here and now I'm out of work! Fuck Raptor!
Fuck Enron! AND FUCK MANUEL AYBAR & THE PEOPLE WHO HIRED HIM!
He's a horrible pitcher. If you've seen my resume, you'd know I
helped create the BaseballReference.com web site. I've seen that
bastard's stats. You want Al Morman? Jose Jimenez? All the messed up
pitchers? You gonna get him big time if this guy's on the team.
God I'm glad I got that off my chest! All this internet work, all
those stock options and fucking retirement plans barfed out. Jesus
Christ, I'm only 23. I've been working 17 hour days for four fucking
years. For what- putting some stupid announcements on sites because
some stupid fuck jock is sold on getting pissed off at shit he'll
never read. And I like baseball. Let's off the bad pitchers. Fucking
losers. Thanks for your time.
One time, in the New
Millenium, the following article appeared in the LA Times:
"http://latimes.com/business/la-030602baseball.story "
Internet Venture Putting Squeeze Play on Baseball
Tech: RealNetworks will offer quick-hit highlights of major league
games in a new compressed format.
By JON HEALEY, LA Times Staff Writer, March 6 2002
"Major League Baseball and RealNetworks Inc. said Tuesday that they
are teaming up to deliver condensed online replays of baseball games,
adapting the deliberate pace of the national pastime to the short
attention spans of the Internet.
The 20-minute digital videos provide less than a complete game but
more than a highlights package, enabling viewers to see all the plays
but none of the buildup.
...
Bob Gorman, a baseball historian who is the top reference librarian
at Winthrop University in South Carolina, was troubled by aspects of
the condensed games.
The online versions will show only action that produces outs or moves
baserunners, eliminating much of the context for those events. Gorman
said a viewer would see a batter whiffing on a fastball but not the
pitch before it that set him up for the strikeout."
After the article
appeared, an email was sent to the LA Times!
Greetings to Earth! Hail to Church
of Baseball from Afar!
We wish to issue a protest. Do you
constitute Authority?
We wish to append your story.
Intergalactic Baseball Genesis
Project
The Intergalactic Baseball Genesis Project
issues a protest
regarding shortened broadcasts
of baseball games.
"The next step is to eliminate the count entirely," declared E. Fudd,
Project Director Emeritus for the Intergalactic Baseball Genesis
Project.
"This has already occurred on 16,453
planets, a small number
but quite alarming. Of course, we're devoting
large resources to stem that particular subversion."
It is also speculated that subscribers will be able to eliminate
exposure to disliked players. For example, viewers with an aversion
to Marvin Benard will have the opportunity to blank him out or
replace him with a generic ballplayer. "It has gotten out of hand on
some planets, where all the players in the highlights look exactly
the same- like John Malkovich," stated Mr. Fudd.
Once virtual baseball takes hold through highlight broadcasts, the
actual games become studio productions. "On one planet, all the games
are played at the Polo Grounds, which still exists," remarked Mr.
Fudd. At yet another solitary planet, the highlights were controlled
by a sabermetrician who had an uncanny knack for predicting the big
moments in a game, until he started broadcasting only groundskeepers
dragging the fields, insisting that they were of "ultimate saliency."
Mr. Fudd cautions that on this planet, the most likely results of
this experiment in fast-paced excitement will be a merging of sports
toward an ideal type involving the rules of baseball mixed with
motorcyle racing, female mudwrestling, and pachinko. "It's hard to
explain why. It just usually seems to evolve in that direction. But
we're doing our best to fight it."
The LA Times responded
to the email:
From: Healey, Jon
To: 'Jim Brown'
Sent: Wednesday, March 06, 2002 9:52 AM
Subject: RE: Official Protest Against Quick-Hit Highlights
Greetings from earth, and thanks for your note.
I'm checking with my editors
to see if I do, indeed, constitute Authority.
Based on past experience, I
suspect not.
Jon Healey
Los Angeles Times
Publicists: For a description of my beat, please visit http://www.latimes.com/jonhealey
Intergalactic Communication
Regarding 2002 San Francisco Giants Major League Baseball Team:
{Sports.740.2826}: Bizarro Giants {j-swborg} Thu, 21 Mar 2002 02:22:58
PST (47
lines)
Commander Bizarro oneflapdown!
This is Captain Zwborg of the Intergalactic Baseball Genesis Project.
We are expressing agitated welcome surprise at your presence in this
Galaxy. We were not aware that enabling parameters for the super-
ultralux-gashouse model Giants were available in this sector. Have
garfled your {2627} communique and will commence supportive routines
for pattern-duplication on this planet. Respectfully request
incremental adjustments since much of the patterning base non-
existences:
1. Complete woody-games non-existent. Seven innings achievementable.
2. Planet time-warps homerun preferences due to excess fan-based
trans-fatty acids. Reversement in progress through vegan group
agitation and Laura Bush. Hit-and-run can do but craigianism not
currently patternable.
3. Insufficient nanocircuit parts to force Snow-swing. You are aware
of this problem- localized entropy and locked circuits at inopportune
instants. We have removed this product from most of universe, but
here Snow still sits for strikes. Alternative walk into pitch will
commence. Will commence beaming of Benard on high pitches, but all
attributes remain statistically incorrigible. Have commenced
replacement effort. Interim: for thefts, will heat feet instantly as
needed.
4. Will recircuit Santiago-catcher to confuse meaning of pull-for-
manhood to allow swings in the opposite direction.
5. Mental removal from game of FatAssModel#615150796,(aka Livan
Hernandez)
intended for bus-driving in
tropics, has already long been achieved. We had
expected managerial physical removal to have taken place. We will
recode the enhanced rationalization mechanisms, and engage the legs
off the mound. This should cue managerial response in concert with
movement of specified Model.
6. Current planet's version of Magowan Model obdurantly resists
slugger improvements. Chronic-injury slugger obtained and energized.
We can work on little Bell, or import Canseco Brothers? Your response
welcome.
7. We are aware of the transmutation which resulted in (third-base
coach)
Sonny's Shining, in which he
sees only that which doesn't interpose
frontally, and thus is uniquely the most unqualified for his status.
We believe that his extended activities will draw him from his
current post.
Commander, we are aware that your patterning mission is paramount to
the Intergalactic Baseball Genesis Project, but we request that
local properties be considered and optimized since the Prime
Directive that the Giants Must Win At All Costs cannot be
countermanded at any level of existence!
Courtesy Greeting to a Fellow
Traveller:
{Sports.740.3679}: Church of
Baseball {mrbaseball} Fri, 29 Mar 2002 22:44:34 PST
(7 lines)
Believer giantsfog,
Greetings from Captain Zwborg of the Intergalactic Baseball Genesis
Project. We are pleased for your proper attitudinal response to team
idiosyncrasy in local planet chapter of Church of Baseball.
Missionary activity is hereby directed, but martyrdom is prohibited
at this time. Thanks Be To Baseball.
A Strange Case of
Disinformation!
{Sports.740.7403}: Church of
Baseball {Captain Zwborg} Sat, 20 Apr 2002 00:11:47 PDT (52
lines)
The Intergalactic Baseball Genesis Project
Technical Section
Selected Disclosures
Explanation to Deacon Cleophus Regarding Jose Uribe
We have been attempting to properly unperson Jose Uribe from the
baseball records of this planet. The premature Web explosion has made
this activity abnormally difficult.
Jose Uribe was a party animal. He hid a fifth of rum inside his
jersey and slipped an occasional gulp. It was not intended that he
would be a major league baseball player. His half-brother Wilson
Valera Uribe was the intended player. Wilson was the tall one who had
a real arm and hit homeruns prodigiously.
Somehow, Wilson ended up with
the San Francisco Angels baseball team.
We apologize for having
confused the two ballplayers,
produced Wilson's unfortunate
accident, and ruined the well-made plans
for successive San Francisco
Giants World Championships.
On most other planets in this
sector of the Explosion, the San Francisco Giants
are easily the most dominant
team in baseball. Our apologies.
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For purposes of the Intergalactic Baseball Genesis Project, we store
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To track down sadistic fop posters for elimination in favor of
sadistic but less outspoken fem posters (to minimize vestigial
violence while retaining selective life-ruination capabilities
necessary for advanced termite-replication civilization)
{Sports.740.7404}: Alert! Alert! False Information {Captain Zwborg} Sat, 20 Apr
2002
00:14:29 PDT (8 lines)
Alert!
This is Captain Zwborg of the Intergalactic Baseball Genesis Project
Proof: 1954 was the last World Championship.
The last posting is disinformation, repeat disinformation.
Perpetrated by Termite Life Form, enemies to baseball, repeat,
enemies to baseball. Ignore factual disclosures! Disinformation! This
is Disinformation!
{Sports.740.7405}: Whoa! {Captain Zwborg} Sat, 20 Apr 2002 00:20:13 PDT (3
lines)
It's not raining, is it? My computer has just been zapped with A HUGE
electrical surge. It seems to be over...Where was I, yes...Zippy the
Pinhead spins on the table, sewing buttons for his new sweater...
Click
here to wake up!
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